saddle up.

Since I joined the infamous organization that is notorious for saying they are bridging the educational achievement gap in America (that shall not be named) in June, i’ve rarely kept up with this little sliver of the internet that is my tumblr. I would like to blog about my experiences, my kids, and living in the music city more, but it just seems that everyday I grow more tired and tired of waking up before sunrise and leaving school after sundown that I just want to come home and do everything in my power to escape the life i’ve created for myself. 

The truth is, i’m considerably unhappy with my job as a teacher. Am I a great teacher? Probably not, but I have built relationships with my students and do have control of the classroom most of the time and have seen tremendous strides (90% class test averages!) and extreme lows. Do I enjoy teaching? Most of the time, but then again there are those days where I just want to go into a corner and cry (and sometimes do) Do I like what I teach? Absolutely. I love teaching about American history but at times, feel completely ineffective.

So then what is it?; why am I so unhappy?

I’ve thought about this over and over for the past couple months and truth is, I am actually a band aid on a problem, educational inequity, that has eradicated America. 

The educational gap is real. Oh so very real. 

As I teach a group of students who are the opposite of myself as a student, I am constantly learning about adversity, poverty, and the failures of our school systems. The problem is that this issue has consumed me where i’ve turned into a self-pitying and miserable person who often feels like I am not doing enough, when in fact, i’m probably doing too much. I am scratching the surface of a problem that in reality, is just growing and my presence isn’t really making a difference. 

My students are grade levels behind in reading, they can’t add, they lack social skills, their grammar is awful, and day to day I sit in my classroom and feel helpless. How did this happen and why can’t I fix it?

But I continue to wake up, morning to morning, and teach. Where do I go from here? I honestly have no idea. Do I continue, let alone make it to next year? That’s an issue i’m constantly dealing with and hope to finally see some sort of change (that will definitely not be from me) in public education within my lifetime.

i discovered there was a lice epidemic in 4th grade. i am literally terrified of insects finding their way into my hair. terrified.